SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT
DR. FAUCI SAYS HE HAS NO IDEA WHO LOCKED JARED KUSHNER IN BATHROOM
By Andy Borowitz, March 17, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.
“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”
Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.
Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.